I am

Is LJ doing something new? I logged in and it asked me if I wanted to revert back to the saved entry. I clicked "OK", and it gave me this message, from Mid-May:

**So this week is my last of having only one job. Sunday I pack up and head to Bingham for Guide Training. Then I'll have 2 jobs. Thursday of this week though, I'll be in Farmington interviewing for a summer teaching position.

Yesterday I felt as though I had been walking around in a fog for the past 6 months. I probably have been. I've definately been avoiding any serious job searching. And though I haven't turned a new leaf (I'm still stuck in a rut!), I'm excited to see what else I could do. I could be a carpenter, or builder... or I could even be an assistant engineer. It's pretty scary though, to dream of using your degree. It might just happen.**

Weird. Looking back has been on my mind lately, as has moving forward. I've been reading past journals (as well as journal entries) and it's like a time machine. I remember the feelings I had on that day by the tone in my writing.

As the end of Upward Bound approaches, I feel as though I've come full circle and my UB experience has broadened that much more. One could even use the phrase "full spectrum" to describe the journey that is UB. I'm pretty confident that if I applied for a job teaching math in Maine, two things would happen: One, I'd be decent at it; and two, I might actually be happy with what I'm doing. Amazing. Who'da thunk?

I'm still enjoying rafting, but have put myself in deep shit with the boss. I'm not as professional as I should be on the river, and I rarely run the river without something happening that I could've forseen and avoided. As an example, I'll tell you a little about last weekend with the Upward Bound crew my sister and I took out. We were going down Magic Falls, the class IV on the Kennebec, and I pull into it with the right speed and river positioning, but with not enough right broach as I need for where I am. I'm at a 1-2 o'clock and I need to be a 2-3 o'clock. So as we head into the slot, my boat is kicked straight by the current and we hit the hole slightly sideways, but still a killer hit. As we get through the wave, I lose my pry slightly and my crew also stops paddling. We're headed straight for the wall. I see this a second too late, and have called an 'all ahead' instead of the 'stop' or 'all back' that I should have. Either might have saved us the bump, and since I've called 'all ahead' I also don't have time for 'watch the bump' before we actually do bump. The UBer sitting right in front of me is bounced out because he lost his foothold from the awesome hit we took. He goes overboard, I turn the boat around and try to pull him in, but am out of sync with the waves. It takes me few seconds longer than I anticipate to pull him in. Dammit. And he's not held on to his paddle. Double dammit. Now I need to get us river right before we hit hell hole. And we need to find his paddle. As I shout at my crew to paddle 'all ahead' once more, the kid who fell out is still not back in his seat. WTF? "Back to your seat!" Where's his paddle. How can I eddy out and look for his paddle? We finally get down where it's calmer and where other boats are setting safety. And the paddle turns up. And then there are two paddles! Who else lost one? We're in the process of eddying out and I'm unsure of how to turn and/or use my crew to back up and go pick the paddle back up. Trying to retrieve the paddle as well are two other boats, one with the Trip Leader in it. Awesome. I want to get to the paddle, but he's gaining on it, so I let him get it. He was setting safety and left that position for a paddle. I could've gotten it. I should've gotten it. He gets it and when we're coming back into the current to find a new eddy, throws it to me. "Hey, here!" The rest of the trip goes smoothly. Later, after the trip meeting, I got hell for not getting the paddle. I suppose it shows dedication to the company if each piece of equipment I treat as though it were my own. A $20 paddle shouldn't come before a person, but since my people were fine, it should've been important. And then I was late for another guide meeting. Watching the slide show with my sister. I don't often see the slide show, and I don't often see my sister, so it seemed like a treat. One that I should've avoided so as not to be late to another guide meeting. Triple dammit. So I'm off the river till further notice. Hopefully, August will be a profitable month for reservations, and I can get back on by next week. I've been a weekender for so long that I haven't caught up to the level of my training class and it really shows. I'm still pretty green (well, the are too), but that shouldn't be a reason for running a loose ship.

Upward Bound evaluations are what's up now.
Punk.

Lots has happened in the last few months, yet it feels like not too much.

Highlights include:
*Playing in 2 Ultimate Frisbee Tournaments
*Working in Customer Service at LLBean (still!)
*Being denied a promotion at above job
*Moving into the basement to save $100/mo
*Spending a lot of time with my bf
*Bf applying to a resort in AK for the summer
*Hearing tales from my sister in Guatemala (and other countries south of Mexico)
*Getting bailed out of debt by my mom and grandpa
*Planning the next step-- maybe Whitewater Rafting (!?!)

I'm off to play another Frisbee game... this weekend we're hosting a tournament at UMaine!

~K

Up here in Fredricton playing in the Fruit Bowl Tournament! My thighs are really sore, but it's nothing that a beer and party can't alleviate. :) We played 4 games today, lost the first one but won the last three, so we're seated in the winners bracket for tomorrow's games. We play at least 2 games tomorrow. I love canadians.

Love you guys!
Amanda

Seeminly back to normal. Spend the day lounging around the house, eating, reading, paying bills, organizing a spreadsheet, eating again, and now am getting ready for work.

Have you ever found that getting mail is as much a burden as it is a surprise? Case in point: AOL has tracked me down and has noticed that I've stoppped payment for their service. This shouldn't be an issue since I called customer service and canceled last month. Why would they bug me again for payment? For dumb.

Time for work. Yay.

Tonight I was told by a man that my body wasn't that flabby. That's a compliment, right? I've lost so much weight that I'm no longer flabby. It's really cool. Of course, I'm not rock hard, but it's a major improvement over what I looked like before.

Thing is, I don't really feel a whole lot different physically, just a whole lot more active. And when I flex my bicept, I feel strong. I am. Rugged. I climb rocks, and go jogging, and practice yoga. And I feel more at peace with myself too. I have this new and interesting perspective on things. I even think on a spiritual level sometimes. Which weirds me out a little, because I'm such a rational person, and haven't given this a lot of thought before. But sometimes I think, "What if there really is a God/force/spirit/nature/karma that is looking out for all of us and we don't even recognize it and fully appreciate it when it's right there smiling at us all the time."

I've had a lot on my mind.

Ya-yeah!

Went shopping. Am truly a size 10. Managed to fit into a great looking pair of size 8 pants at The Dressbarn. Also, TJ Max is the bomb for pink colored shirts.

I am hot. That is all.


[Edit 11-01-05: I lost more weight, went to Victoria's, and the size that was most comfortable was 36D. It sometimes happens that when you lose some inches around, you'll go up a cup size. Sweet!]

Working till 5pm, then heading up to Maine through the night. Spending time with Charlie and Harmony at campfire/smore's party, then visiting with Moira and Heidi on Tues and Wed, then visiting Grandparents, Mom, and Grandparents on Wed and Thurs. Thurs and Friday driving back, then Sat and Sun working again.

Whoo hoo!

So next week I have semi-regular work hours. And I have the end of Friday and all of Saturday and Sunday off... so I can go to Floydfest in Floyd, VA. That's what I had in mind, but I'm not sure if I can afford it, and I don't have anyone to go with. Too late to change the work schedule, so if I don't go, I'll be wishing I had gone.

The last time I went to an Ani Difranco concert was at the MCA in Orono, ME, but I was stationed at the coat check and didn't actually see her at all. I wasn't a huge fan then as I am now. Also, if I went I'd see Xavier Rudd again. His music turns me on. It's really that great.

So yeah, I really want to go. Six hour drive there, a weekend of greatness, six hour drive back. If only I had a friend to go with me. Maybe I'll just make friends there. :)

Other things: Roommate is really great. Not that we have tons in common, but we are both a little neat freaky (she is more than I, but I have my moments!), and we've been doing favors for each other... like picking up each other's groceries while we're in town, or me giving a ride to her foster kid when she's already gone to work, or she buying Windows XP Home Edition so that we could both use it on our computers. I'm not sure I can actually put it on my comp. because I have so many programs that I'm not sure I have the disks to... but I really want to try to install it because that would be so awesome.

Anything else? Oh, yes. I'll be moving back to the northeast when my lease expires at the end of September. Maybe even back to Maine because that's where I have the most connections. I think I have an idea for what's next: teaching math. I'll have to get my certificate first, maybe even a masters (that way I could defer my loans for a year). Plus, I've heard there's a deal where some of my loans are forgiven if I teach so many years in Maine schools. That would be neat. But wherever I move to next, it'll be within a day's drive to family. I miss them too much to be so far away.

One more neat fact: I've put over 20,000 miles on my car in 9 months. Pizza delivery rocks!

I've moved out of the house I lived in rent-free, and increased my commute by 15-20 minutes by moving to the country, where there's no development... yet. I also have little communication with the man I once called my bf, and am much happier and calmer. He, however, is still quite miserable.

I've spent most of today reading the sixth book in the Harry Potter series. I hope this series continues after he's graduated... it would be a sad precident to set to say that his adventures wouldn't continue after he's out of school. :) It's actually a really great book. I can't put it down. Rowling's books remind me of why I used to read a lot... you're transported to a world completely removed from actual reality for a few hours. No bills, no maniacal ex's calling you up, no car troubles; your book-world is impenetrable.

Well, back to reading! Then off to work tomorrow morning.

Peace, Kibbe

Sometimes I feel so stupid and so smart at the same time. I never thought this was possible, but it's happened to me tonight. Has it happened to you? (Open for anyone who reads this to post an answer.)

Madlibs rule. So true it's funny. Kinda like the good ole days of "What If...?" Try it for yourself at http://www.englishrules.com/maketypday.php


A Typical Day for Amanda

On a typical day I wake up, wash the honey from my ear, and put on my wonderbra. I say goodbye to Melissa Etheridge and fly to a tent, where I am a pizza-delivery girl. I feel furry about what I do. Sure, I'd rather be a Professional Organizer in New Zealand, but being a pizza-delivery girl pays the bills and buys me lots of hush puppies that I can fart. My morning is pretty silky. Aside from my 22 trips to the bedroom to put on makeup and my rough encounter with Gender_Blender, it's just the same every day.

I break for lunch and chat with Xacnar over a tangled plate of corn. A quick jaunt to Wal-Mart to cuddle with Cloutier, who's a total hooker, and it's back to the grind until 4:20 when I jump in my vaginal purple bicycle and head for home.

My evening is spent eating and listening to Dave Matthews and Friends while masturbating around the bedroom, wishing I were Ani Difranco and drinking all sorts of orange juice. Then it's off to bed where I dream of guitars and Angelina Jolie in a thong.

I have to go to work.

I do have a new pair of shorts, however, so it's not all bad news it seems.

Check out Xavier Rudd. He's freakin' awesome. www.xavierrudd.com

Today turned out to be a cleaning day. Almost a laundry day too, but I'm not that motivated. I really want to rearrange my room, but the bed is to heavy for me to move by myself. I just feel like if things are arranged with some sense of order, it's easier to concentrate and get other things done.

I'm off to Holland Rd CU Service Center to depostit my paycheck and also to the Post Office to send some CD's back to the library on the Peninsula. I would go drive them back to the library, but I don't have enough time to get through the tunnel and back before my shift starts at 5pm. If I don't leave by 1pm it'll be congested with commuters and impossible to get back on time. Small towns rock. Even when you have things spread out in the town, they're not more than 2 miles away. Easy biking distance if you want to bike it. Errands don't take more than 2 hours (shopping, CU visit, library returns). Here, everything is so spread out, and if you don't have a map, good luck. I have 2.5 hours till work and that's not enough time to get everything done. WTF were these town planners thinking?

You scored as The Granola Dyke. Your love for the environment and passion for your beliefs can be a bit overwhelming at times, but your friends and family know you mean well. </td> The Granola Dyke 85% The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke 65% The Sprightly Elfin Femme 60% The Student Dyke 60% The Femme Fatale 45% The Bohemian Dyke 40% The Surprise! Dyke 35% The Little-Boy Dyke 30% The Stud 25% The Pretty-Boi Dyke 15% The Hipster Dyke 10% The Magic Earring Ken Dyke 5% The Quasi-Gothic Femme 5% What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com

Today I fed the dogs, played with the cat, and went to the gym. Still haven't found the plane ticket that I search for, but that is only a matter of time, right?

Wednesday I went climbing and met a (Navy) girl who moved here a month ago from Okinawa, Japan. We're going to make a regular thing of the Wed night climbing. Yea!

Lbs: 163, Alcohol units: 0, Calories: 2,000, Plane tickets: 1, Concert tickets: 4, Plans for future: Unclear.

I may be taking a trip to Florida next week. I'll be using my free plane ticket that I got last May. It expires at the end of May. If I don't use it, I'll lose it.

Concert tickets are for a Blues band tonight at the Jewish Mother and Dave Matthews in June. Hopefully I'll be going with current bf, but we're having some issues right now so I'm not so things are up in the air.

Memorial day is coming up too and it's one of those killer money-making weekends. Hopefully I'll make some mula.

It sometimes seems that whenever I plan too far in the future, life kicks me in the ass and makes me focus on the present again. If I can make it through one day, then another day might work out too.

I'm going for a bike ride to (hopefully) clear my head.

Lbs: 169 (I've gained 4 lbs in 2 days?), Alcohol units: 1, Calories: 3,500(?), Aching feet: 2, Sexual positions fantasized about: 3, Actual positions performed in the past 2 days: 4, Marriage proposals: 1 (every night).

I've been reading Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason, and there are lots of things I identify with in her journal/monologue. So, I like the format of beginning the entry with alcohol units, cigarette units, current weight, and mood. I think I'll try that for this and future entries.

Ever given your LJ username to someone who you didn't really feel comfortable with them reading what you write? Current bf situation is as such. We communicate pretty well, have been dating for 3 months, living together for 1.5 months. And it seems he proposes every day. In actuality it's probably every other day. And I always say no. I maintain that it's not what I want. Positive aspects: I'd have health insurance, and we could fly for free around the world. Negative aspects: I hate to put it this way (because it makes me sound so shallow), but I'd no longer be free. I'd feel chained and restricted. I don't think of marriage as a door opener, but a closer, an end to exploration, a settling down thing that he really likes but I don't think is for me. At least not at this time in my life. Also, I don't believe in God. How can you be atheist and still take part in this ceremony? On some level I'd like to. But I know it wouldn't work out. And I'm not going to make it not work out, it's just that I see this relationship has an end. Down the road. I feel it. Is it wrong to stay when I know I'll leave later? I'm having fun, enjoying my time.

Also, I feel quite lost and lonely, even with all the attention and affection from bf. Haven't quite decided where life is headed, but know I need more contact with people. I'm going to pass in application for volunteering tomorrow. I might be teaching/tutoring middle school students with math by the end of the month. SAT prep and such. Could be fun!

Ah, winding down from work with Sangria. Bf has woken due to light from computer. Now we must go sleep. ;-)

I am: 4% Republican.

"You're a complete liberal, utterly without a trace of Republicanism. Your strength is as the strength of ten because your heart is pure. (You hope.)"

Are You A Republican?

I'm safely in Northampton, bedding down with my sis for the night. We had take-out Indian food and made a quick jaunt to Target too.

I must have listened to at least 15 cd's today. Started out with a John Denver/Jewel disc, followed by some Alison Kraus. That was followed by some King Wilkie, Dixie Chicks, and a cd of world music. I can't remember the whole list, but it was long. Tomorrow will start off with a healthy dose of Tool, Warren Haynes, and a smattering of BareNaked Ladies.

Made the trip in just under 11 hours (10am-8:40pm); second leg tomorrow should take another 5.5 hours. I stopped twice. Once in Delaware because I almost nodded off while driving (around 2pm), and once again in New Jersey. I only drove on I-95 for a few miles out of NY into CT. That was a big mistake as I traveled about 1 mile in 30 minutes. Once I managed to exit, I consulted the atlas and found a parallel road just a few miles north of 95. So I skipped over to 15, aka the parkway, and it was both faster and more scenic. I will drive back that route too. :) (Note: if one thinks about the volume of traffic at the intersection that I was stuck in congested traffic in an Electric Circuit Network capacity, one might have concluded that the parkway was the way to go over the interstate. There's also the trial and error route... I'm a big proponent of that method. :))

Am tired now; must sleep...

Am v. tired after working. Was slow all day.

Hope to be in Mass. by tomorrow night, though the list of stuff to do in the morning is growing long. Why didn't I plan ahead? I think I misjudged the time as April was waning.

Yeah.

Quadratic Equation: x=(-b +/- sqrt(b^2-4ac))/2a